Lies I've Told To Impress Guys

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I smoke. I thought he was a tough guy, so I told him that I smoke. I was hoping it would make me look a little less, small, middle class white girl. It turns out he hates smoking. As he is now my boyfriend, I have to pretend to have given it up. So I’m now in imaginary recovery from an imaginary addiction. Only I can’t wear the nicotine patches, because then I would actually get addicted, would start smoking, and would have to quit – again.

I knew what a spit roast was. When asked if I knew, I obviously didn’t, and so replied with a disdainful “of course.” Having assumed an air of superiority, I couldn’t back down. So when asked if I’d done one, I gave another dismissive “of course.” Then I went home and Googled it.

I have hipster music tastes. I don’t. I’m a Britney babe. I listen to Justin Bieber. And Pitbull. And any mainstream generic crap you can put an unce-unce-unce to. I told a guy that I did have music taste, solely because I wanted to appear hipster. But I now know that hipsters are faking their music tastes. Hipster music sounds like a police siren underwater, mixed with a rooster and a magpie making love. It’s impossible to like. They can’t like it. They’re obviously  just too self conscious to admit they like Britney, so hold a ‘passion’ for Persian Folk Punk.  

I speak French. I am not the first woman to find herself willing to say anything to get attention from a handsome Frenchman. Unfortunately, when you say you can speak French, they have an annoying habit of speaking to you in it. As my French ability stops at year 4, I could give him a weather report. However, describing heavy cloud cover is not the strongest of aphrodisiacs. Unless you’re British, when talking about weather is the closest we get to emotional expression.

What did I learn from this? If I’m going to lie, make sure the person doesn’t realise. Otherwise, you’re in for a night of vomit, weather talk and severe judgement. Which is pretty much every party I’ve been to in a nutshell…

 

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4 thoughts on “Lies I've Told To Impress Guys

  1. Great post. I love reading something that at least makes me smile. This was a laugh out loud post. Mainly because I could relate to all (Bar the spit roast – I actually know what one is, and I’m still trying to work out if it would be an impressive thing for me to claim to be a part of one, from my view point..) I also tell better, more flamboyant lies…but that just comes with age.

    And as for the French. I’m Fluent. in my own world. My daughter who obviously lacks some serious linguistic abilities because she can’t understand a damn word…. I swear, for such an intelligent girl, she must be slightly simple..

    Brilliant!

    • Haha, thanks so much – that’s so nice! I’m glad you find it funny, I laughed so much at your piece describing your friend and her various French monsieurs!

      I think laughing at yourself is essential. Otherwise we might be seen as (sharp intake of breath) ….earnest. Which is up there with “serious” on the list of adjectives I’d hate to have in front of my name.

      I’m certainment tu Francais is tres good – maybe if you speak very very loudly and very very slowly, your daughter will cotton on. It seems to work for English tourists abroad!

      Thanks again for stopping by!

      • I must admit, my french is truly, abysmal. Thank god for google translater. Even the most numb of us can be linguistic genius’. My daughter is fluent, and was a god-send when she visited my sister who has moved over to France just outside Cognac recently. have to admit, I love your blog. I don’t think there’s anything I haven’t read that hasn’t made me laugh, or at the least smile. Happy to re-blog it. Well done!

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