So becoming a rapper might  be harder than I thought it was. I have been practicing. Well, singing to Justin Bieber’s ‘boyfriend’ in the shower.  I’ve realised I have the rapping ability of a fried egg. I sound like Siri making love to a rooster. But I think the fact that I’m awful makes the challenge even more interesting.

 I’ve also decided that I’m going to do a comedic rap. I can’t seriously say the word bitch without mentally hearing my mum’s scandalized “VERITY!” SO this rap is going to be a bit of a joke where I take the piss out of myself.  At least I’m better at that than rapping.

 To business then, what is my work of musical genius to involve?

I’m currently writing them beats, yo. And this means listening to lots of ‘ya trippin, shorty?’ There’s also a lot of Spanish involved, although that might be because the only rapper I know, apart from Kanye West, is Pitbull. But with the help of Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary and Google, I’ve been broadening my rap knowledge.

You know it’s gotten serious when I asked myself this morning:  “Should I have  sugar on my Weetbix uh huh?”

From forensic, intensive interrogation of such gems like ‘Rack City’ I have discovered that I have to refer to three things in my lyrics.

One I have to talk about my lifestyle. Well. I’m disappointingly middle class. I’m rather boring. But nonetheless, I must refer to my crib and my life. This is probably going to be the first rap about avocado ever.

Two, I need to shamelessly objectify the other sex. This could be fun. But considering that I’m English, and it took me eighteen years to actually say..you know…vagina, these lyrics could be a long time coming.

Three, I need to talk about my ethnicity. Unfortunately, I’m pretty dull; I’m just English.Not even any scandalous intermarriage with the French centuries ago. Does this mean I need to rap about poor dental hygiene and perpetual disappointment? At least I can rhyme tooth floss with lip gloss.

As you can see, the lyrics are a little shaky right now.

 I tried to rhyme Dora the Explorer with plethora. (Ever since I learnt the word in school I’ve wanted to use it. But it’s the giraffe of the English language; wherever I put it, it just doesn’t fit.) So it’s not going too well. But I’m sure it’ll improve in time.

 In the meantime, I’m going to get inspiration by cruising down Queen St, in an off white Lexus. That’s what Jay Z does in Empire State of Mind. However, I think I might look slightly worse than him .Particularly because he is a God. And I am a 19 year old without a driving licence. So I might have to cruise in the bus… 


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