The Problem With Beautiful Women


How do you make yourself unpopular in Melbourne? Being homophobic. Hating gays is as popular as Tony Abbot or chain coffee shops. I think this is great; homophobia is pathetic. But the situation causes difficulties for me, like what happened today.

Today I saw two girls  holding hands, being cute and coupley and saying the silly things lovers do like “Of course I want to go to your Auntie’s dog’s birthday party!” One of the girls was absolutely stunning. The sort of woman that would make Aphrodite want plastic surgery. I could not stop looking at her. I’m 100% straight, but my god was she beautiful.

Some women are like that. Some women are just so incredibly, jaw droppingly, orgasmically, Penelope-Cruz-covered-in-Marshmallow-y beautiful that you can’t not stare. She was one of those women. The women they put on perfume adverts to mesmerise you into forgetting that you’re buying 10ml of gnat’s piss for $300.

 You just can’t not look and look and look. It’s not in a creepy way; I’m not thinking about getting with her. I am just marvelling at the sheer magic of how such incredible beauty exists in such a frail bunch of carbon atoms. She’s art.

And as I was staring at her, I realised that her girlfriend had seen me staring. Her face darkened. The beautiful girl saw her partner’s face, looked around and scowled at me too. She put her arm over her girlfriend’s shoulders.

Oh crap, I recognised the look; it was the one Melbournians save for homophobes and immigration policy.

How did I explain?! I tried to put the fact that I wasn’t thinking homophobic thoughts, I was only thinking about how much she reminded me of the little dormouse in my illustrated Alice in Wonderland book, into my expression. I think I just looked inbred.

The girls rolled their eyes and moved away.

I sighed. I don’t think I could have done anything about it anyway. What would I say? “Hey sorry for staring at you, I’m staring at you because you’re stunning, not because you’re gay, which isn’t something to stare at, well people might stare, but probably only people from the country, but not here, oh you’re from the country….well, great. Ok, I’ll just go and sit in a corner until you forget I exist.” No. I don’t think so.

Ah well. They’ll just think I’m a narrow minded gay basher and I’ll just feel mildly uncomfortable. The world will move on. But it is the problem of beautiful women; you just can’t not look at them. They absorb your attention.


12 thoughts on “The Problem With Beautiful Women

  1. I can totally relate! There are just some women that, if I was really honest, make me wonder if I’ve been chasing men my whole adult life for no reason… How are some so blessed by the universe and others of us completely forgotten? It baffles me!

    Thanks for sharing. I enjoy your wit!

    • Thanks! And thanks for checking out my blog 🙂 I know – I often wonder what I was supposed to have done in my past life to have won this cosmic lottery! But ah well – I still have Maltesters to comfort me.

  2. I had a similar problem whilst working in Manchester – in the middle of its Gay district. I was sitting having lunch and had a young lad come up asking me if “You would like a drink with my friend?” And me thinking “Woohoo! Pulled!” (Mentally punching the air) without it occurring to me where I actually was.. I turned to see 2 young chaps waving effeminately and tipping their heads inviting me to join them. Well, flustered is a mild description. The looks of offence followed me as I tried to drink my drink, eat my sandwich and eventually abandoning both with a cheery wave and a scuttle off back to My world. I just told my wife my animal attraction was in over drive today..

  3. Alex McDonald

    “The women they put on perfume adverts to mesmerise you into forgetting that you’re buying 10ml of gnat’s piss for $300.” Phrases like that just make Thursday mornings so much more bearable, absolutely brilliant! Research in Social Studies led me to one of your articles, and I realised we actually met at one of the Michael King Writer’s Centre, and a little more looking around led me here. This blog completely backs up the impression I got of you that day, love your style 🙂

    • Haha, thanks so much! I’m glad I brightened up your Thursday, you brightened up mine! Well I’m glad I support my image, i put a lot of time into appearing so carefree 😉 Yeah, I thought you sounded familiar, are you tall and blonde? Even if you’re not the person I’m thinking of, you’re still a gem for being so nice, so thanks 🙂

      • Alex McDonald

        Tall, yes, not so sure on the blonde part. I think you described it as “like caramel” at the time, so possibly close enough haha. I’ll be keeping an eye out for more of your writing now, everything I’ve read so far has made me smile, you have an amazing way with words. 🙂 Who would have thought looking up articles on binge drinking could be so rewarding?!

  4. Alex McDonald

    I’ll definitely do that, thanks a lot. 🙂 I see you’re doing some pretty amazing things, all the best. You’re truly an inspiration! 🙂

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